A monologue of my thoughts:
While going through a major chunk of my pictures last night, all I could think about was how camera shy I am. Like, I never look straight at the camera and smile. Like, I am just not happy with myself.
There’s always this need to make a face or strike a pose. It is all so superficial.I have an idea of beauty. And, you have an idea of beauty. And, all of us tell ourselves that we fit into that. But we are just never happy with ourselves.
“I look great but I wish I had better hair.”
“I look great but I wish I could do something bout my belly fat.”
“I look great but I wish I wasn’t this skinny.”
“I look great but my nose is weird.”
“I look great but my legs are weirdly shaped.”
And, so on. We are always trying to be something better.
And honestly, there’s nothing wrong with that. But, when your priorities change from being better at a skill or person to looking better, the backward counting begins.
No matter how much we tell ourselves that we are perfect. We have grown up to believe that we aren’t.
Skill is life lasting and beauty is all so momentary and yet, beauty is so important.
We make ourselves numb to reactions but we kill for reassurance.
And all for what?
We are changing. Our personality, our physical composition; everything inside-out is changing with each passing moment.
We won’t be able to freeze anything as it is.
Cells are dividing. Mitosis Meiosis is happening.
So, why try so hard to make ourselves perfect right now?
In 7 years each and every cell of the body will be new.
So, why can’t we just let it be?
If cells are changing, why can’t we?
Funny as it maybe, we are changing and that’s what scares the life out of us. That’s why people pray and dwell on faith; in hope of a better future. So many times, we find ourselves wondering about how better things were in the past
We looked so better.
And yet, at that time, we couldn’t embrace it. At that time, it wasn’t good enough.
The previous me that I long for today, because I don’t please myself today, dissed that me at that point in time.
Like, I shouldn’t be who I am, because I don’t make myself happy.
And, that’s the catch!
I need to make myself happy. No reassurance or fixing would.
In fact, while growing up, to battle my bundle of insecurities, I overcompensated with superfluous confidence and was considered a narcissist. Social Media fuelled it. Being a hyperactive anti-social person, it takes a toll on you to even try to explain any better. So, I gave up. Eventually I fell into a deep hole of anxiety while everyone around me looked at me as the ‘bindaas girl who didn’t care about the world’. How wouldn’t I, when I was being pointed out on one ‘problem area’ or the other everyday, and usually by women. No one was scared to hurt my feelings because they were convinced that I don’t have any.
I was told multiple times to work harder than my peers because ‘only my career would be my salvation’. Today, when I think about it, it doesn’t read like a bad thing at all, but for a 15 year old, the ‘only’ bit is immensely hurtful. So, I eventually made peace with it and when I started fairing well at it, I understood the need to make peace with myself in order to ace at being ‘me’.
With Ertsy, I want to look back at a journey of finding, accepting and loving myself just as I am without making it just about me through fashion, travel and lifestyle. And, preach ‘be Your Own Desire’ because I learnt it the hard way that if you don’t love yourself in the most profound way, no one else would or matter.
It is easy to lose yourself to your insecurities and honestly, it is all right to work on yourself constantly to grow and improve in multi-dimensional ways but nothing is worth compromising your comfort; whether it is your dressing preferences or core value set.
People seldom realise how long can what they say stay; don’t let anyone dim the spark in you and don’t you do that either. And once you start loving yourself, you start seeing the beauty in everyone and everything a lot more.
Wouldn’t you make the world a beautiful place if the power is, in fact, in your hands?
Wouldn’t you embrace yourself for everything you are?
I would. And, why wouldn’t I?
I’m a piece of art.
Featured Image: redbubble.net